Notes in the key of G

first steps

so i was at church this morning. we're talking about the book of john. i'll be the first to admit that i don't know the bible very well. clearly my parochial upbringing left much to be desired in regards to my religious education. sorry sister ann! don't take it personally...i was only 8! honestly? this is the first time in my life where i have even tried to read and/or understand the bible. i know it's in english (most of the time) and i should be able to understand the written word...but i just don't get the whole thou sayest, bequeethest, cometh nonsense. so i took a trip to the good ole family christian bible store and bought a niv version. light bulb! took me 29 yrs to figure out that it is possible to understand what those prophets are a preachin. but i digress...

due to my unfamiliarity with the word i tend to take copious notes. that, and the fact that i really enjoy what pastor mike has to say. one of the reasons why i like the church so much is because he is so great at taking verses from the bible and connecting them to real life situations. one of the points he made today was that god uses people in the process. he talked about how certain people are brought into our lives to start our journey and help us along the way. (copied straight from my notes!) i have always believed this but i'm beginning to find more and more validity in it. i'm able to look at the role a person has played in my life and how that has effected decisions i have made. i'm beginning to piece together how they have shaped who i am today.

many times i'm still writing down something pastor mike has said when he's already moved on. that's just human nature i guess. i just can't write as fast as he can talk!

so as i'm writing god creates a hunger in your heart

i'm thinking man that is just so true. the desire to go to church and learn about god has been inside me for a couple of years now but i just didn't know what to do about it. 

i write someone invites you to church (bethany!)

and i hear "about once a month we like to have these welcome desserts where we invite new people into our home and they get the opportunity to ask any questions they have."

i write happens to be the right time...

and i hear "a couple of months ago we had one of these welcome desserts..."

and i think hey i was there a couple of months ago...

i write and place

and i hear "and there was this lady there. she was in her late 20s..."

i look up
oh. my. gosh. he's talking about me.

"and a high school teacher."
(audibly inhale) he's telling my story.

"she had a catholic upbringing but hadn't really been to church in awhile. well at these desserts we always ask, "what brought you to rocky peak?" she said that she had been going through some troubles and her friend, who is also a high school teacher, asked her if she wanted to go to church with her. she said ok. so she came to church that weekend and was sitting there and said it was like i was talking directly to her. it was like we had this connection. and she just thought, "woa." so she came back the next week to see if the connection was still there...and it was. so she came back the 3rd week to see if the connection was still there...and it was. and now she keeps coming back to see what this connection is all about. this is a perfect example of..."

at this point i am in complete and utter shock. i can't believe that my story - my little insignificant story - has just been used in a sermon.

afterward, i wanted to talk to pastor mike. i went up to speak to him (and waited in line. what can i say? he's a popular guy!) and was wondering if he would even know who i was. i know...he remembered me enough to tell the entire congregation about me...but i hadn't actually talked to him one-on-one since that welcome dessert he spoke of. when it was my turn he looked at me, smiled, and said, "giuseppina!" he gave me a big hug and said, "that was your story i told." "i know! i recognized it!" he said it was inspiring and i told him i was completely humbled by it. he said it wasn't even in his notes. that he was talking the night before and he thought of it and added it in. he said he went home that night and prayed and said if he felt moved by it he would share it again in the morning. he told my story at all three services this weekend. 

i can't begin to tell you how overwhelmed and humbled i am by this whole experience. the congregation is huge. out of every person there, out of every story that he knows, out of the whole bible...he chose to talk about me and how i got there. that just moves me to tears. i never never realize the impact i make on people, the fact that i could inspire someone. i just can't believe it. and then when it's brought to my attention? well that just shakes me to my core, leaves me in disbelief, and staring in amazement.

someone thinks i'm inspiring? :) who knew?

*you can actually listen to the message with my story in it here (starting somewhere around min 38 if you're interested)*

again?

once upon a time there was a girl.
she had had her share of heartache, oh yes she had.
there was a palpable emptiness inside of her. a hole she did not know how to fill.
she had wondered how she had gotten to be in a place where she had felt so betrayed by life. she felt as though she was watching life in a pile of little pieces on the ground. too broken to actually participate. too broken to move on. too broken to be noticed. she watched other people and felt a stirring in her heart, a desire to have what they had.
the contentment.
the joy.
the happiness.
she waited and waited and then wondered what she was waiting for...

one day she said enough is enough!
it was hard, oh yes it was.
but she picked herself up and did what she wanted to do, what she felt in her heart. she applied to grad school, something she had wanted to do for years. she got accepted and worked hard and got her credentials. she wanted to make a difference in this world.
and she was happy.


she applied to one (and only one) school district.
she didn't know why.
that's just how it happened.
and that school district decided that she just might be what they were looking for. so a school called. her school. and she went and interviewed at her alma mater.
and she was reunited with her favorite teacher, the teacher who made her want to be a teacher.
and she came home smiling because she had decided that even if she didn't get the job, she gave a most fantastic interview and felt fab about herself.


they thought she was fab too, and offered her the job about two whole days later...

she worked very hard.
very very hard.
she wanted to be the very best she could be for these kids. she knew some of these kids had nothing. she knew that for some of these kids, this might be the only 55 minutes during their day where someone cared about them.
and she felt like some of them cared about her too.
she enjoyed her job.
and she loved working with him!
alot.
he quickly became her favorite person on earth.
for real.

sometimes that hole would nag her. would remind her that it was still there. would make her feel sad and lonely.
she would often wonder why she was alone.
why no one noticed her.
why no one wanted to spend time with her.
was she not good enough?
she pushed those feeling aside and continued working on being a better person, one she would want to be friends with.

that summer, she went to maui with her best friend.
they had a very good time.
a very very good time!
they had shave ice


and went to luaus


and saw amazing sunsets together!

this was the first time in a LONG time that she felt content.

she even decided that she would throw her cares away.
here to be exact...
(even as she types this, she very much remembers doing this...)

but when she got home that hole was waiting for her.
it was still there.
it wasn't as painful...but just enough to remind her that no matter how she spends her time, no matter how many friends she has, no matter how many students love her...she still didn't have a special someone to love and be loved by.

and that's all she really wanted.

year number two of the teaching career starts and she is full steam ahead.
she is going to try her best.
she is going to get it right.
and she is going to appreciate everything she does have for a change.
(and she is going to ignore that hole.)

only, this year is hard.
very very hard.
she realizes there are some mean people in the world.
and she learns that they are mean for no reason other than to make other people miserable.
especially her.
she wishes she was stronger (or more like strong!). she wishes she could ignore it. but she makes the mistake of listening to the mean words. and she makes the mistake of believing the mean words. and she makes the mistake of letting it get her down.

but soon she realizes she is better than this. soon she remembers why she comes to work. soon she finds happiness at her job again.
she laughs with her students


laughs with her friends


and she feels good about herself.

her friend, alisa, asked her if she would go to a conference with her that summer...

the girl thought to herself, "self, you are in a good place. you have worked hard in your career to get where you are. you have worked hard within yourself to build character and perseverance. you are open to new opportunities. why not go?"

so she said yes.

she went to said conference and was interested in meeting new people who had the same interests as her. she thought it would be fun to spend time with a good friend. she was excited to see the wild animal park.

little did she know she would meet a boy.
a boy who was everything on her list, and then some.
but she would ignore the "then some" and focus only on him.
because he made her feel happy.
very very happy.

she fought this idea of dating.
until she couldn't fight it anymore.
and soon they fell in love.

she found herself inviting him into her classroom (something she said she would never do). she found herself inviting him to meet the most important people in her life. she found herself beginning to dream about a life with him, their life.

there's was not what you would call an easy romance, what with the "then some" thrown in. there were many an obstacle to overcome. but she loved him so, and was willing to work hard...to make it work. and he was just as dedicated.

she soon felt as though this is what she was missing. this is what all the stories talk about. this is what she had longed for. she had waited 29 years for this boy. the hole didn't hurt anymore. it was almost only a memory.

almost.

one day she was spending time with him (which she often did because she loved him) and he told her something.
something that shocked her.
something that took her breath away.
something that made her overwhelmingly happy.

he said he thought she could be the one. "the one". the one he had waited for. (and boy, had he waited!) the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

the girl had never felt so loved. she beamed back and echoed his sentiments. she felt as though after all the heartache, after all the turmoil, after all the hurt...this was finally her time.

only, (breath), it didn't turn out quite like that.
5 days later he stopped talking to her.
3 days later her world fell apart when he told her that his heart had hardened.
she didn't know why.
she didn't run over his dog.
she didn't kill one of his kids.
she didn't sleep with his best friend.
(oh my gosh! she would never do any of those things! ever! she was working on character, people. remember?)

she called in sick to work the next day.
(she never calls in sick even when she IS sick!)
and she cried.
and cried.
and cried.
she didn't eat. she didn't sleep. and she didn't know why.
so she called in sick the next day too.

after everything was said and done, she found herself back in a pile of little pieces on the ground.
too broken to actually participate.
too broken to move on.
too broken to be noticed.
and she wondered why she was there again. why she had to endure it again. why she wasn't good enough again.
why she was alone.
again.

she watched other people and felt a stirring in her heart, a desire to have what they had.
the contentment.
the joy.
the happiness.

she never knew that february 1st would be the last time she would see him again.

easter sunday

happy easter!
just spent a great afternoon with some new friends. had a really good time laughing, talking, and eating. it was so nice to just forget for awhile...
i have to admit, it was a little uncomfortable for me. i don't really enjoy social situations where i don't know anyone. don't get me wrong, i can be friendly and socialize! but i need to wait for that window of opportunity first. i need to be approached first. and that did happen this afternoon. i have a feeling i'm going to become good friends with a few of the people there. :)

but i'd be lying if i said i didn't feel a little bit sad. a little bit cheated. i yearn for the tradition. the stability. the security in knowing "this is what we do as a family". i want a family of my own so i can carry on the traditions that i no longer have in my extended family. who am i kidding? i just want a loving husband and my own little family. as much as i enjoy spending time with other people's families, i am painfully reminded of what i don't have. again.

like glue

so i've been thinking...i know, right?
but really. i wonder sometimes if the reasons why we go through really difficult times is simply to break us. because it seems as though the only time people really change is when they are forced to do it.

you see, change is hard. and uncomfortable. and disruptive. and chaotic. and painful. and yet...completely necessary. that's the sad truth - and a lesson i've been learning on a daily basis. hurt is the catalyst for change. so not only are you in total pain but you have to be uncomfortable too. how cool is that?!

back to this breaking thing. i've been knocked around a few times. (and by few i obviously mean lots. as in therapy worthy. as in people have looked at me and said, "woa". thanks folks. that's always a boost to the ol' self esteem.) and each time i have been broken into pieces. and i am convinced that i won't be able to pick them back up, let alone put them back together!

but i've been thinking. and i've been introspective.
everytime i have been broken, i have managed to pick the pieces back up again.
and everytime i have picked the pieces back up, i have put them back together.
and everytime i have put them back together, i have rearranged them just enough to make a better me.
and everytime i have taken these piece and put them together in such a way that it makes me a better person i use a little bit stronger glue.
a glue that helps me to keep the good changes i have made. a glue that encourages me to continue improving myself. a glue that makes me stronger, more like the person i am meant to become.

i wonder if this time around my glue can be God.

come on spring break, you can do it!
only 3 more days....

why?

it seems as though lately everyone is breaking up and breaking apart. learning of cancer and of death are starting to seem common place.

it's timed to be healed.

please

please forgive me
i know not what i do
please forgive me
to need you like i do
don't deny me
this pain i'm going through
please forgive me
i can't stop loving you

i've wrestled and debated and wrestled and debated whether or not i want to share the storm i've been going through on here. i don't want to be a "downer". i really don't. especially since i've been trying hard to be the exact opposite.
but i've been inspired by the first chapter in a book called the sacred echo by margaret feinberg in which she talks about how vulnerable and exposed she feels sharing such intimate details with people through her book. i totally feel the same. but maybe i can help someone else who is going through some thing similar. maybe.

i'll keep thinking about it...

welcome to the world!

bright spot in my life today?
corey had his baby!
addison mabel uhlar was born this morning at 2:44 am.
pictures to follow :)



ps. update soon

i can't do it anymore

So she bowed her head to pray
And said, Jesus, please make a way

And she heard Him say...

I'll make a way
I'll do whatever it takes
Even though it won't be easy
I have a plan and though you may not understand
Today, I'll make a way